even if i wanted to...

i feel as if even if i wanted to
i couldn't leave
i couldn't say no
it must be my motivation
determination
and lack of strength
what does it say about me
that i've never changed my mind?
is it will power?
fear?
or am i just meant to teach?
i hope and pray it's the latter
i want to teach
i know i'll be good at it
but i'm afraid.
what does that fear mean?
i've always been confident. and now,
when it matters most,
i'm afraid
will they respect me?
will they like me?
will they learn from me?
what matters most is that they learn.
and even though i don't yet know them,
i love them.
i'm happy to know that that love will change lives
and when i reflect on that
i'm no longer afraid.

Sixth Grade... admiration and childhood

In one day of practicum in my new sixth grade classroom, I've learned so much about myself as an educator and about 6th graders who are in reality such children.

I tend to think of my students as little adults-- they're as big as me, so I can't think of them as "children" per se. Of course they're still kids... but I try to treat them like juveniles, young adults who are learning their place in the world, rather than children who need to be baby-sat.

Being in this sixth grade class has put my whole student body into perspective.

My eighth graders last semester had a level of maturity that was beginning to outweigh childhood. They were starting to delve into serious relationships and learn what it's like to cooperate with people in friendships and work environments; they know how to care for themselves in more than a superficial way, and they've become to take on a bit of intrinsic motivation with their educations. They know how to strategically stretch the truth and they're beginning to identify themselves as individuals.

The first thing I noticed in the sixth grade classroom on Tuesday was how bad they are at lying. I'm not sure what that says about me, but I believe there's a time and a place for a little bit of falsification, and the students I'd ideally like to teach (8th or 9th grade) generally know when that time is and why. The sixth graders don't know when. They don't know why, and they don't know how.

They're so goofy. They laugh at stupid jokes, use terrible vocabulary, and don't know how to write. My 8th graders last semester made me cry with their poetry; these sixth graders can't go into depth further than their own noses, and it's so tedious for me to try to listen to them like I would my older kids.

On the other hand, there are things about the child-like qualities of these kids that I can't get enough of.

First, I can tell these students are going to love me. My eighth graders were old enough that looking up to a teacher meant something different than admiration. Eighth graders were respectful in a professional way. This kids admire me like only children can-- I'm an adult to them, someone older and wiser who they can look up to and love.

Second, the sixth graders marvel at life like children do-- they stare out the window with longing for adventure rather than for getting home for the day. They read stories and imagine themselves in them rather than rolling their eyes at the thought of another novel. They have a bead in their eye that only children have.

Finally, these sixth graders are so energetic. They laugh. They smile. If they make fun of someone, it's not serious.

Discipline is not a problem. The "teacher look" works for these kids. Defiance is easily quashed.

They're babies.

And I'm not sure if that makes me love them or hate them.

What kind of teacher am I going to be?

As summer goes by...

I've only been out of the classroom for two months, but it seems like much, much longer.

Who am I going to be when I return to school? When I return to a classroom with students who look up to me?

It may be a silly fear, but in the back of my mind I can't help but wonder if the summer is being detrimental to me. Most of the other student teachers I go to school with took summer classes; they've only got about a month's break to worry their brains over. They had that time to build relationships and keep their teacher minds.

Could mine be disappearing over the summer?

I know it will be impossible to know until I'm back in school. For all I know, class will go on without a hitch. It'll be like coming back from the weekend.

I know it will be nothing like I fear. But what about in the future? If I'm not teaching summer school, will the whole summer leave me forgetting what it's like to be a teacher?

These fears really are silly. I'm a teacher because I want to be. I'm a teacher because I have the heart and the passion for it. I'm a teacher because I know I can do it and I'm meant to do it.

With a teacher's heart, a teacher's mind is unnecessary. This school year will start and I'll realize who I am: a teacher.

And everything will be fine.

Down Time and Teacher Connections

I have people I love. I have people that I've connected with over time, people that I consider "friend." But I have very few people that I am really close to.

I have so many people that I care about, and hopefully as many that care about me. But lately I've been longing for people who are more than friends. I think I'm starting to realize who I want those people to be.

I have my boyfriend, a wonderful guy who is more supportive to me in my endeavors to teach than I could ever have hoped for. I have, as I said, a few friends who I interact with in social situations and depend on in times of need.

But I want to be friends with teachers.

The people in my Hub are amazing. I don't really know any of them that well [yet], but they're there for me when I need them, every one of them, and I try to be there for them.

I really want to be close to them. It's a personal desire, but when I think about why I want to be close to them, I realize that those people are going to be my greatest resource when I actually do start teaching.

I know I'm going to be working in a school with a teaching team that will be a good resource. But I want to have these people in my hub, especially a few that I particularly long for their friendship, to be in my life through our actual careers in teaching.

I also think about my mentor in high school, Mr. Rupprecht, the guy who made me want to teach social studies and encouraged my decision to go to PLU (though I'm not sure he knows he encouraged it...) I haven't e-mailed him in a while, and I really hope that I don't lose track of all the help he gave me, even if he doesn't realize how much he helped me.

I want to be that teacher to someone, and I'd like to keep in contact with the guy who made me want to be that way.

I'm stuck on the fact that my peers and my mentor are going to be the greatest friends I'll ever have, even if I don't see them every day. Even if I'm not that close to them.

I want to be close to them.

The Influence I Have...

It's interesting to see who remembers you after only a few weeks and who doesn't.

Last night, I attended the "graduation" ceremony of my eighth graders who are high-school bound. When I saw the kids from my class, most of them said hello, good to see you again. A few were excited to see me. Some that I thought didn't like me approached me with a "Hey, Ms. Hall!" before I even saw them. But the thing that will stick with me the most is the ones who didn't remember.

One of my favorite students, the one that I wrote about a few entries ago in the student profile, the one who barely "graduated" and I was so proud of for his poems, didn't recognize me. "Congratulations," I said to him. "Who are you again?" He said to me.

Once I said my name, he remembered. And I know it's nothing personal. I was only there three days a week, and many of those days, he wasn't in class. But I have to admit that a little bit of my heart broke when he asked me that.

I always wonder how teachers remember all their students, even years later. I wonder why certain students have influence on a teachers life. I remember all of my teachers. I remember all the student teachers that were in my classrooms. They had an influence on me in some way, shape or form.

It made me realize that if I'm going to have an influence in these students lives, I've got to be totally focused on them.

Who cares if they remember me? What matters is that they take something with them. If they are better people or more comfortable with themselves or more knowledgeable of something, I've done my job. I don't need to be remembered. I need to be influential.

Broken intentions...

It was my intention to write fairly regularly so I could reflect on what it is I'm going through as a teacher-in-training, but I've abandoned every aspect of my life that doesn't make me money or advance my education. I have no friends right now. My poor boyfriend only sees the angry, tired side of me (and though this isn't really the place, I have to say how amazingly appreciative I am for his understanding while I go through all this to achieve my dreams and mold myself as a teacher so I can help mold the future citizens of the world), and I get about five hours of sleep a night.

I suppose one thing that I'm learning is that the life of a teacher is a completely devoted one. Yes, I've always been devoted to helping my [future] students, but now more than ever I'm realizing that in every aspect of my life I'm going to be "Ms. Hall." Every day I'm planning lessons, I'm assessing myself and my students... every day I'm growing and every minute of my day is full of... well, it's full of devotion.

My first terrible experience occured... well, it has to have been about two weeks ago, now. My cooperating teacher had her baby a week early, and the permanent substitute couldn't start until the next week. The school placed a "substitute" teacher (although I'm not sure he was a 'substitute' to my teacher, really...)

I took over on Monday. I knew what the kids' teacher had planned (minus the plan itself) so I winged it and gave a shaky, useless lesson on pattern and repetition in poetry. (This is what I wrote about in the last blog...)

That's not the terrible part. Yes, my lesson was ... terrible... but of course it would be. I've never actually taught before, at least not without a completely outlined plan, and on that Monday, I had about 5 minutes to get it together. I'd expect that lesson to be terrible; after all, I don't really know what I'm doing yet. I did a good job, though, a great job, actually, and the lesson was spectacular. Too bad the sub didn't reinforce anything the rest of the week when I was gone so everything I worked so hard for on Monday was ruined by Tuesday afternoon.

Wednesday was a WASL day, so I didn't go. I wish I would have. When I came back on Friday, the class had formed into a cage full of apes. The sub dilly-dallied and the kids were starving for direction... so I tried to take over.

As in tried.

One student's cell phone went off. At Jason Lee Middle School, cell phones are not tolerated. But I was trying to be a little bit cool. "Hey, let me have your phone until the end of the class." This should have been great, because normally a teacher would have taken it and kept it until the parent could pick it up. To make the long story short the student refused. The sub failed to support me in my fickle attempt at classroom management. I called an escort to take him to the office because he continued to argue through instruction.

As soon as I left the building, I felt as if everything had gone wrong. I thought that I could have done everything differently and no matter what the situation could have ended up better. I cried over students for the first time.

I thought I was going to fail as a teacher because of this one situation. I thought the student was going to hate me.

And for the first day after that, he did. On Monday, when the permanent substitute started, he ignored me. He wouldn't even look me in the eye. My heart sunk.

I talked to many of my mentors who told me not to worry. One of them told me that you can't ruin students with one poor management situation. He said the next day, I could try again. And I did. And now that student is back to his old self... a little defiant, a little obnoxious, but friendly and curious about the world around him.

These students are so open. They're so versatile. You can piss them off one day, and the next, they respect you even more. I'm not these students' friend. I am their teacher. I'm learning that a kid is not going to hate me because I discipline him. I'm learning that respect is hard to get, but if I give it, I can get it right back from them.

J. is average size for an 8th grade boy, height and weight wise. His face and lips are a little chubby, but not overly so. He is a white male with long-ish hair that looks like a short cut that’s grown out. It often hangs in his face. J. likes to sit in the back of the classroom and does so whenever he can. He sits a little hunched over or slouched back and he almost always has his binder closed. J. shows up late every day, sometimes because he’s tardy and sometimes because he goes to a special ed classroom despite how smart he is. J. seems really reserved, never taking off his jacket or making himself “comfortable,” but he isn’t reserved to the point that he won’t interact at all. Usually, he won’t do his work and when I ask him why, he says “because it’s boring” or “I’ve already done this before” or “I’m just tired and don’t feel like it.”

Despite his lack of activity in class, J. is very, very smart. He loves to draw and is fairly good at it and when I can get him to write, his poems are extremely well worded and deep.

• I really want to dig deeper into him and get him to write more. He has a lot to say, he just never lets it out.
• His drawing could be used to help him a lot. He loves doing it and is very engaged in whatever he’s drawing.

J. is very quiet. He doesn’t say much unless he’s asked a question, and usually his answers are very brief (i.e. “I don’t know” or “sure”). He does a lot of physical gestures to answer questions, sometimes shrugging his shoulders instead of answering “I don’t know.”

J. doesn’t really ever seem sad or upset, but he also doesn’t ever really seem happy either. I’d describe him as “content.”

• Encouraging him in what he’s doing gets him to talk
• The only way I can get him to really focus on his work and do it is if I point out the things in it that I really like. Then he’ll have conversations with me about it and advance it.

J. has friends in the class, and he sometimes laughs and jokes with them, but even in those situations he’s very quiet and subdued in a way. He usually sticks to drawing all through the class period, keeping to himself.

With teachers, J. is very professional in his speak. Even when he is refusing to do work, he is respectful to the teacher.

He is upfront and honest with whoever he is talking to, telling it like it is. The students all know that he’s going to be late every day, but they don’t seem annoyed by it and they don’t seem to make fun of him for it.

• J. seems to enjoy interaction even though he doesn’t cry out for attention. I want to be able to speak to him more since that’s when he does his best work.
• I wonder what his relationships are like at home. He told me his whole family draws, so it sounds like they at least have open communication, and his poems don’t reflect any trouble in the home, but I wonder if he gets enough attention. It may be that he gets too much negative attention, at home and at school, because of his bad grades and lack of work.

J.’s favorite activity is drawing. His whole family draws, and once I encouraged that information out of him, he seemed to be proud to use it in his class activity, which was to write an “I Am From” poem. In that situation, I asked J. why he didn’t have anything written on his paper for his “I Am From” poem. He told me, matter-of-factly, that he was boring and he just didn’t have anything to write about. He didn’t seem upset in telling me this, just truthful, like he really just didn’t want to do the assignment because he didn’t have anything to say. I told him that I saw him drawing a lot, and that’s definitely something that’s interesting. He agreed. In class that day, they had ways to help them decide what to write about in their poems, and one of the tips was to use things you knew about family, history, food, shopping, etc. to write your poem. I asked him if he could apply drawing to any of those things. At first, he said no, but after talking to him a little more about his drawing, he told me his mom, dad, grandma, and aunts and uncles all draw, also. Without me even suggesting it, he realized “hey, I can use that in my poem!” and wrote it down. He worded it very poetically, saying “I am from the fingers of my family,” meaning that his family draws and so does he.

J. does really well with writing, especially when it comes to poetry and hidden meaning. I’ve noticed when he’s not working on assignments sometimes he’s writing his own poems and stories. When I ask him, he tells me “I’ve written lots of poems.”

From his poems and writings, I can see that he really likes video games, TV, and movies, which says even more to his tendency to work alone and whether or not he gets enough attention outside of school.

J. is, as I said, very smart. When I can get him to work, the work he produces exceeds anything he was supposed to be doing. He is very good at writing, and when he can do some kind of drawing, he’s even better.

I’ve never seen him in a setting other than humanities, but I assume that in math and science he’s so bored that he doesn’t do anything. He seems to do better when he can be creating something from his imagination. He hates using graphic organizers and doing all the steps that lead up to actually writing (pre-writing, rough drafts, etc.) so I think something that is as concrete as math would drive him crazy.

J. seems to get everything we do, but he refuses to do most of it. He knows that he isn’t getting a very good grade, but doesn’t seem too worried about it. He does his work when it suits him and when it’s boring to him, he doesn’t.

J. is great with metaphor and hidden meaning. He is very poetic in all his writing and his poems could bring one to tears. He enjoys talking about life, but he’s never specific about his own. He talks about life in general.

Students like J. really draw me to them because of how smart they really are and have much potential they have. My cooperating teacher, Mrs. Barksdale, told me when we first met that “these kids are our biggest untapped resource.” Despite the fact that they are from urban areas with a lot of gang and drug activity, despite their refusal to do some of the work, the kids are extremely smart and have brilliant ideas in their heads. J., I know, is one of those “untapped resources.” He could change the world with his insight and his ability to work alone. He also has potential to have great relationships; he’s very easy going and friendly, even when he doesn’t necessarily like someone. Even though he’s very quiet, he gets along well with everyone. I’ve never heard him get into an argument or talk poorly about anyone.

When J. laughs or smiles at something that he’s working on, my heart sinks knowing that he’s so smart but doesn’t let it out. I’ve gotten through to him a little bit. I don’t think he would have written his “I Am From” poem at all if I hadn’t asked him about his drawing. He ended up creating something amazing about the neighborhoods and homes he’s lived in, about gang shootings and home cooked meals, about drawing and writing. With a little encouragement, J. can go very far.

The Life of A Teacher: Free Time, Anyone?

Though I promised that this would be my daily outlet and reflection place, where I'd re-articulate what I'm learning as a pre-teacher, life as a teacher is proving to be more than time consuming.

Obviously I didn't get into this field expecting it to be easy. I didn't get into it expecting to have a lot of free time. I knew how hard it was going to be. But actually experiencing how hard it is is much different.

My cooperating teacher had me teach a few lessons. She designed them, so it made everything a little less stressful, but getting in front of the class, especially with the teacher there, was nerve racking. I did it before, when she was gone. I think I wrote about that. The sub was... well, a little worthless (as subs can be... but I don't blame them. More on that later, I suppose), and I didn't have any choice but to take over. I knew what the class was supposed to be doing, I knew how the teacher taught, and I took over. It was a great experience and the kids relayed that I did a great job.

However, when it came to performing a lesson that the teacher designed in front of that teacher, I was a little frazzled. I did okay anyway, and took a lot from the experience. There's no reason to be nervous in front of the kids. Yes, if you screw up they may eat you alive, but they're just kids.

Well, my cooperating teacher was expecting. As in a child. And she was expecting to be in class another week. I didn't think she'd last, but we all hoped. One more week of the WASL. One more week to prepare for the permanent sub. One more week where she could use her own lesson plans and not design them for someone else.

She didn't last. She had her baby on Sunday, and I'm extremely congratulatory. Unfortunately, on Monday, there was no real lesson plan. The sub was as subs normally are and the kids were ready to take full advantage of it.

When I stepped into the classroom and saw that the teacher was obviously either in labor or caring for a newborn (since she wasn't there), I turned into a teacher.

It was an amazing transformation. I was like a super hero...

Faster than a speeding pencil, more powerful than the meanest principal, able to motivate tall students in a single phrase... (well, maybe not... but it sure felt that way)

Look! Up in the front of the class! It's a sub! It's the principal! No! It's MS. HALL!

Silliness aside, the kids were a lot more receptive of me as a teacher this time. I had to pull a few mean teacher moves ("Excuse me!" for quiet, "I need you three to seperate...") but they did the work I asked of them without any more hesitation than they normally have as 14 year olds who are too cool for school.

Creating a lesson on the spot was the best experience I could have asked for. Luckily, my cooperating teacher briefed me a little bit on "the plan"... luckily, I had some examples of previous years of the poetry books they were to create...

I don't want to brag, but I ruled. I was a little shaky at points... but that's to be expected. After all, I'm not a teacher [yet]. I've never created a lesson plan that's actually been taught to students. But I did, sort of, this time! Sure, the plan was pretty much in place... but ... well...

I learned a lot. I learned that you have to follow through on your threats (which I did, mostly. One kid, unfortunately, got sent to the office [actualy I didn't choose that punishment, the sub did]). I learned that you can't reach every student every time, but you better darn well try.

I also learned that being a teacher isn't easy... but it's the best thing I could ever imagine doing. I love when a kid creates a poem they weren't going to create just because I told him it sounded great. I love when students who normally do nothing are engaged in what I have to say. I love this job!!

Welcome to My World

I am no longer "Alicia." I am now Ms. Hall. Let me introduce myself as such.

I am learning what it means to be a teacher. The experiences this semester aren't completely new; I was in a classroom a few months ago as an observer. This time, however, I am actually a part of the classroom. The students call me "Ms. Hall" instead of "Ms. Alicia," and already I can tell a difference in the way they respect me. They see me as an authority figure rather than a friend, a teacher rather than a student.

I'm seeing so much at the school I'm at right now. It's a school that caters to low-income students, a majority African American. Students there are already having sex, they're drinking, they're in gangs. And they're no older than fifteen. The good thing about this is that school is offering them a chance to not be like their neighbors and families. One little girl, who just turned 14 two weeks ago, has goals written on her binder: "This year, I won't have sex, I won't drink, I will hang out with the right people..."

It's scary that these kids know more about life than I do, definitely more than I did at their age. They can articulate the feelings and thoughts of others better than any college student I've met so far. In their every day lives, they are required to read people and survive; it's no wonder their character analyses are so articulate.

This journal will hopefully be a place where I can do a bit of metacognition about what I'm learning and experiencing. I wish I would have started it sooner.

For now, I'll just leave with a thought I wrote down at the end of my Educational Psychology class today.

There is so much that we can learn from our students, and one of the main reasons for this is that they are not afraid to be creative-- they are not afraid to be wrong.

I keep thinking about two students at my practicum and how they do nothing in class but doodle. What would happen if we allowed that? What if we gave them a place where they were allowed to draw and be creative? I think not only would it expand their creativity, but it would give them the motivation to do better in their other classes.

Instead of giving kids an outlet, we suppress them with medication and over-structure. It's really sad.

Broken Thoughts from my Experience Thus Far

From Week one of my Practicum experience (2/9-2/13):

-The students in Ms. Barksdale's class at Jason Lee are mostly 'highly capable', performing above average. This is SO DIFFERENT from where I was at Woodbrook, where the population was mostly military. The things Ms. Barksdale does with the students is really making them respect themselves and their education. Before they even know who I was, they were expected to introduce themselves and give me a firm handshake.

-Ms. Barksdale gives rubrics for every assignment. Yesterday, they shared with my why rubrics help them. Some people say 8th graders can't understand rubrics, but these students really knew how to use them and why it is important and beneficial.

-GLEs are written on the board every day as well as a schedule and an objective. I think it helps that they knew why they're doing what they're doing.

From Week 2 of classes and practicum (2/16-2/20)

-Community building comes from inclusion. Everyone needs to have the same high bar set in order to succeed, and everyone needs to feel comfortable in their environment. As a teacher, I need to challenge my students and expect the best from them. To build that comfort zone, I can do something similar to what Jan did by not singling a person out, but letting everyone talk to feel comfortable. One of the students in class missed the first day where we introduced ourselves, so instead of singling her out to introduce herself, the teacher, Jan, had everyone say one thing about themselves before she had to introduce herself.

-On Wednesday, I noticed extreme diversity at Jason Lee, especially in my practicum classroom. I realized that I notice race now more than I ever have, but I don't think it's a bad thing. Instead of thinking that everyone is the same and completely equal as I previously thought, I'm starting to see that there are differences of all kinds, and that includes race. I can use the differences to be more accepting of the differences in culture, mindset, and privilege.

-I met one of the classes for the first time on Wednesday. After introducing myself as a future Middle School teacher, Ms. Barksdale asked the class if they had any advice for me. They said:

• Keep an open mind
• Stand strong
• Stay organized
• Don't be a push-over
• Don't be TOO mean, but be strict

The fact that they could articulate advice for me amazed me. This group of "high risk" kids is performing at a highly capable level and they're able to understand lifer from another's perspective. This realization is going to make me the best teacher possible.

-Some of the kids remembered by name, and I've been making a point to remember theirs. Names are relationship building, and building a realtionship with these kids is going to help us both be successful, teacher and student.

From Week 3 of classes and practicum (2/23-2/27):

-Grouping students seems to be a common practice, even after all we know about how negative it can be. It's really important to group students in a way that gives them the best environment to learn.

-It was really eye opening to see that my values tend to cluster around rules and consequences. I think of myself as a little more passive... but it's good to be able to embrace different management styles that I'll be able to use in my classroom.

-Things to remember:

• amount of time on task=achievement
• be aware of which students you focus on
• be positive about change to make students more comfortable.

-Interesting story: Found a student passing notes. Asked her to put it away until the end of class, and she looked like she hated me. After class, I told her upbeatly, "thanks for putting that away earlier" and smiled. She really perked up and doesn't hate me now. It goes to show that POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT rather than NEGATIVE DISCIPLINE are very effective.