I know it's been a long time since I've written anything. For that, I'm a little disappointed. I was hoping to be able to look back on this blog as an evolution... but I'm afraid it jumps so much from learning experience to learning experience that it won't be as detailed as I hoped.
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I always knew this would be hard. I knew I would be tried and tried by students and the demands of teaching, 100% more so since I'm a student teacher. But last week has been, by far, my most trying.
I feel like at this point I should have a pretty firm grasp on teaching... I've been in school for a year and a half for this. So when my mentor teacher was gone on a Wednesday when I was gone and asked me to handle the lesson on Thursday, I naturally agreed and was excited to do so.
When I got to school that day, I was bombarded by students in the hall, "Ms. Hall! I'm so glad you're here!" "Ms. Hall, yesterday with the sub was awful!" They told me stories about how bad everything went on Wednesday when their teacher and I were both gone.
That's how I started my day. And guess how Thursday went?
Let's just say I found out on Thursday that I really need to get a firmer handle on my classroom management.
Kids were bouncing off the walls, defying everything I asked of them. One in five students actually did their assigned task. They talked when I talked, yelled across the room, smacked each other. And it didn't help that when I finally started to get a handle on the class, the sub questioned my actions in front of the kids, interjecting random questions and facts that had nothing to do with the lesson and questioning my authority and management techniques.
Beat, I went home trying to stay positive: it went awful, but it's a learning experience and I took a lot from it. That night, as I tried to stay positive and slightly relaxed, my phone rang with an e-mail from my mentor teacher: she'd be out Friday, too.
Luckily, on Friday I had an excellent sub who, when the first class went crazy, grabbed them back and lectured them on how disrespectful they were. It was a great lecture that made the students realize that their actions truly disrespectful and unbecoming: how could they treat Ms. Hall, someone who's trying to learn from them, the way they were treating her?
I got a lot of great advice from that sub, who was a student teacher herself just last year. I felt much better about teaching that day, even though it still didn't go as well as I would hope.
Those two days were... well, awful. For the first time ever, I went home and questioned myself: whether or not I'd be a good teacher, whether kids would actually learn from me. For the first time, I questioned myself as an educator.
I didn't make it back to school until the next Friday. The first thing I got when I got there was this:
Dear Ms. Hall,
As a student teacher I know you are learning to become a teacher. I am sorry when I was not makeing that easy for you by talking when you where, not reading along with whoever is reading, and not folowing all the directions you gave me. Next time I will act differently. While you are talking I will listen and not interupt. When I am spose to be working I will, work without inteurupting the class or anyone. If you give me a warning I will go to where ever you tell me to go. and I am agin really super sorry we behaved badly for you... YOU CAN DO IT
Sinceraly, Jakob
Oh my goodness, I can't describe how overwhelmed I was by this letter.
That last sentence, one that Jakob added on all by himself, with no coaching... "I am agin really super sorry we behaved badly for you..." something he truly meant; "YOU CAN DO IT" something that truly meant something to me.
Deep down, I know I can do it. But getting that letter, hearing it in Jakob's letter, really makes me know I can do it.
This is why I teach. All students are good, even if it has to be dug out. All students have something to say, something to learn, something they can do for another person. Even when they're terrible one day, they can suprise you. Even a gesture as simple as an apology letter, partly coached by the teacher but then embellished with the student's own words, can change someone's life.
I believe in all my students, even those who don't believe in themselves. I know they have so much potential.
Who knew that it would take one student to believe in my to realize my own potential?
