It was my intention to write fairly regularly so I could reflect on what it is I'm going through as a teacher-in-training, but I've abandoned every aspect of my life that doesn't make me money or advance my education. I have no friends right now. My poor boyfriend only sees the angry, tired side of me (and though this isn't really the place, I have to say how amazingly appreciative I am for his understanding while I go through all this to achieve my dreams and mold myself as a teacher so I can help mold the future citizens of the world), and I get about five hours of sleep a night.
I suppose one thing that I'm learning is that the life of a teacher is a completely devoted one. Yes, I've always been devoted to helping my [future] students, but now more than ever I'm realizing that in every aspect of my life I'm going to be "Ms. Hall." Every day I'm planning lessons, I'm assessing myself and my students... every day I'm growing and every minute of my day is full of... well, it's full of devotion.
My first terrible experience occured... well, it has to have been about two weeks ago, now. My cooperating teacher had her baby a week early, and the permanent substitute couldn't start until the next week. The school placed a "substitute" teacher (although I'm not sure he was a 'substitute' to my teacher, really...)
I took over on Monday. I knew what the kids' teacher had planned (minus the plan itself) so I winged it and gave a shaky, useless lesson on pattern and repetition in poetry. (This is what I wrote about in the last blog...)
That's not the terrible part. Yes, my lesson was ... terrible... but of course it would be. I've never actually taught before, at least not without a completely outlined plan, and on that Monday, I had about 5 minutes to get it together. I'd expect that lesson to be terrible; after all, I don't really know what I'm doing yet. I did a good job, though, a great job, actually, and the lesson was spectacular. Too bad the sub didn't reinforce anything the rest of the week when I was gone so everything I worked so hard for on Monday was ruined by Tuesday afternoon.
Wednesday was a WASL day, so I didn't go. I wish I would have. When I came back on Friday, the class had formed into a cage full of apes. The sub dilly-dallied and the kids were starving for direction... so I tried to take over.
As in tried.
One student's cell phone went off. At Jason Lee Middle School, cell phones are not tolerated. But I was trying to be a little bit cool. "Hey, let me have your phone until the end of the class." This should have been great, because normally a teacher would have taken it and kept it until the parent could pick it up. To make the long story short the student refused. The sub failed to support me in my fickle attempt at classroom management. I called an escort to take him to the office because he continued to argue through instruction.
As soon as I left the building, I felt as if everything had gone wrong. I thought that I could have done everything differently and no matter what the situation could have ended up better. I cried over students for the first time.
I thought I was going to fail as a teacher because of this one situation. I thought the student was going to hate me.
And for the first day after that, he did. On Monday, when the permanent substitute started, he ignored me. He wouldn't even look me in the eye. My heart sunk.
I talked to many of my mentors who told me not to worry. One of them told me that you can't ruin students with one poor management situation. He said the next day, I could try again. And I did. And now that student is back to his old self... a little defiant, a little obnoxious, but friendly and curious about the world around him.
These students are so open. They're so versatile. You can piss them off one day, and the next, they respect you even more. I'm not these students' friend. I am their teacher. I'm learning that a kid is not going to hate me because I discipline him. I'm learning that respect is hard to get, but if I give it, I can get it right back from them.
